It has been raining since midnight, and I woke up three hours ago from dreaming of bad things. I don't like being home, and this morning reminds me of why. Everyone yells. Homeworks haven't been turned in, laptops are to be confiscated, so of course, mother is suffering from acute victim-woe-is-I-look-at-me-and-give-me-attention complex and crying to God for His injustice against her and these are my children... not hers.

She forgets that I came home before the crack of this wet dawn and just went to bed two hours prior. She forgets that I'm not on vacation. They forgot I am their mother and his wife, and it's like I don't really belong in this odd vignette of their (annoying) morning ritual. It's like it's my fault somehow. I should have gone to grad school and become a teacher or something. I'd have the summer off, and I could threaten them with home-schooling when they don't turn in their homework at regular school. They'd buy it and be perfect angels.

I'm tired. I was wrong. I AM too old for this game, and I let my pride get in the way. Now I fear my kids will turn out to be deviants who steal, cheat, shoot at road sign, and watch porn on the internet, just like she's screaming in the hallway. I know she resents that she has to watch them for me... I'm sorry, but right now I am tired and all I want to do is sleep.

Say, have you heard? I'm the summer's hottest gossip now. Why, you ask? well... I guess it comes with the territory of being a few years older than most of them, rich in experience, and loaded to the gills with enough empathy to nod sadly when I hear a friend say "my wife has left me." Yep, no good deed goes unpunished, apparently. So it goes, then, that because I'm sought for advice and confidence by a jilted friend, I must not be doing something proper and it's all a ruse to get me some illicit lovins?

Hey, it's not my fault I am older and have been knocked around by life enough to know what it feels like to have the world crash on my head. Is it really such a weird thing that a dejected young guy would find my advice helpful? I mean, gosh... all thirty of us spend so much time stuck together, and if we can't trust each other, who do we turn to when we're in the shithole? It's not just about study guides and lab notes, people. Where did your humanity go? Why go there, you stupid children?

I wish I had something entertaining about which to post. I can't really say it's been dull, because really, it hasn't been that way. I just can't seem to settle down on a single thing to point to and say "hey, that was awful/awesome/fun/scary/creepy/whatever...let me tell you all about it."

Maybe the fact that sometimes I was so busy, I forgot to eat for the entire day. Or maybe that in the past two weeks, I have had this feeling like I am drunk from the moment I awake until my head hits the pillow at night. It's a little scary, and I think it may be that I am tired. I walk around with the world spinning in front of my eyes as if I just got off a carnival ride. I can't make it stop. I lost like 25 lbs the last semester, and I wasn't even trying. I've also been working for a research lab on my notreallydowntime. I started as a way to help myself out with some of the biochem that I was having trouble learning. I ended up liking it and was sorry I never applied for an MD/PhD degree.

I drew something- a lot of somethings- when I couldn't sleep. I haven't posted anything other than a showering Vincent, because that's all that really turned out okay. I am starting to resent myself a lot for that. And I can't keep my hands from shaking, so the lines in the drawings are all smudgy, and I can't tell if the proportions are okay on account of my spinning world view. But I feel like I've done something, even if it's just survive. I'm still hanging from the proverbial meathook, but I'm still alive, and i can hang on some more.

For a brief, tiny breather.

This is the time of year,yes, the magical time of the year, famous at this school as "cram-as-much-information-into-a-lecture-as-we-can-before-quarter's-end" time. I've been averaging 2-4 hours of sleep/week.. PER WEEK! That is so ridiculous. I knew it was supposed to be intensive, and I did get those knowing smirks from the adcomm when I said I was prepared to pull long nights to keep up my grades, kind of like them saying "Haha, you have NO idea, do you, newbie!". I didn't know it was going to be THIS insane.

In fact, I got so little sleep this week that I had my first optical migrane in seven freaking years! Worst part of it was that I started having the vision problems when I was in the middle of rush hour traffic. I couldn't see the proximal cars on the lane to my left, which freaked me out for a few minutes. It was like seeing that distortion that you make on an LCD screen if you touch your finger to it, through BOTH eyes, but only affecting the left side of my field of vision.

It sucked, and it forced me to take medication, which I despise because it leaves me groggy and dehydrated and gives me that "shrunken brain" feeling when it wears off.

I can't WAIT for winter break.. all I want to do during it is sleep, sleep, sleep until forever. So now you know where I've been. I look forward to R&R, shortlived as it may be... but I should be okay after the first two days, I think... Now, I'm off to tackle a lab practicum. MMmm... Formaldehyde... joy!

It all began with an innocuous request( : )

Today marks a very important day in my life:

I have completely fulfilled my contractural obligation to XYZ(also known as Hollywood Upstairs) school of medicine. Yep... that pesky class they wanted me to finish that I didn't finish before I got my bachelor's and was accepted to their illustrious, state-school-because-it's-all-I-can-afford? Done... I've the bruises, the concussion, the scratches, gouges and scars to prove it, too!

I am officially done, done, dooone with any and all high-level, esoteric, never-to-be-used-except-to-say-that-i-took-it, fancy-schmancy mathematics courses. Never again... never! and if they come back to me and tell me that there is one last flaming hoop for me to jump through to be off the probational period, they can just... uugh! Who am I kidding? they own my soul already, dignity is just a notch below that.

But yeah, I feel like I just up-chucked the giant boulder that I was carrying around in my stomach all summer long. And tomorrow I am off to enjoy the little time that's left of my summer in a well-deserved vacation.

I can't stand it anymore. It's classes like this one which make me want to quit... what the hell is the use? Oh, I know it's not 'required' but really, I know that truly, truly... it is... It's like a parent of an ugly kid telling them that "it's the inside beauty that counts, honey"

But then again, it's not really the subject itself that's a ( problem )

There are some things I wish I could erase, if not from existence, then at least from memory.

I imagine everyone has those moments in their lives in which it feels like the roof is caving in on top of their heads and there is nothing to hide beneath. The worst part is that is always happens in slow motion.

( I thought I'd raised him to know better )

I was bemoaning my lack of extra-curriculars (ECs) last month to my husband, and as usual, he said it's my own fault. Not as usual, he was right this time. And that only made me feel really shitty because I can't make myself part with the $10k it would take me to ship my gunner-in-the-making @$$ over to Africa or India or South America to single-handedly solve the healthcare issues that plague the WHO currently.

Yeah, the reason being that I don't have the $10k just lying around for me to exercise my superior pre-med volunteering skillz, mofos! No, so that means I'm stuck with the few local options. Woe is me, that I cannot heal the suffering of the third-worlders! Instead I must turn to the local community. How boring is that? I mean, why would a medical school care that I am working to help my community, you know... the same community I will be serving if they let me into med-school down the road? pssshaaa! that's nothing to write home about, I mean... it's no DAB (a bad, politically incorrect SDN joke). Now my personal statement is ruined! How am I supposed to write myself as the next Angelina Jolie if I can't get to Africa?! *insert melodramatic sob here*
--

(Okay, in case you're missing an important driver for your humorous peripheral, you PC android, that whole thing was completely tongue-in-cheek. That means, it's sarcas-ahh, to heck with you if you don't get it!)

Anyway. I'm very happy to report I've gotten to be part of a very important and ambitious educational project that just fell into my lap on the day when I was feeling the crappiest about my lack of ECs. A paramedic friend of mine has started a program to educate 50% of the county's population on proper CPR and AED use. This will give people a greater chance of survival in case of emergency as the likelihood of someone in the vicinity being trained in first aid will ensure the victim gets CPR/defibrillated while waiting for emergency crews instead of being surrounded by onlookers and not getting oxygen for the 10-15 minutes it takes the ambulance to get there.

I was so excited by the whole thing, I even managed to forget it counted as an EC. I'm just so glad to be a part of something so important. Then last week I found out I was being named Manager of the Student Enrollment department. Woot!

once again, it was hubbers who pointed out it'd look great as an EC. What's up with that? he's right, twice in less than three weeks!

"You are the worst mother/daughter/wife/person in the world!"
yes, mother... I know... I'm sorry you gave birth to me too...

"You do nothing, nothing around here, how dare you tell me to shut up and stop bothering you?! If it weren't for everything I do, what would become of your family?!"
the same thing that became of them before you moved in. We'd be inconvenienced, but we were doing better than most people in our situation. Two working parents aren't the end of the world, and while I am grateful that you are helping, heck, taking over everything household related, it doesn't mean you're indispensable, and it certainly doesn't mean that the world would end if you left us now

"You are such an ingrate! How can you treat me this way?"
I don't know... I guess it just comes natural for people with a lump of dog-shit-for-a-heart like me

--

All of this because I didn't send out my son's birthday invitations at a socially acceptable time according to her. Then she kept nagging me about it and not-so covertly insulting my parenting abilities or capacity for loving/caring for my kids. She can clearly see I am up to my eyeballs in textbooks and preparing for tomorrow's testing feast, so she gets offended that I yell back at her and tell her to stop fucking bothering me about irrelevant things like invitations when my grade can swing on a single quiz from an A to a B. Something, which by the way, she raised me to be unhealthily obsessed with in fear of her disapproval.

I am usually a patient person, and I will shut up and take it like a man, because I know that arguing with her is pointless, and she's just looking for the right barb to set me off. She likes it when I yell, because then she is justified for hating me and crying, and telling the world what a bad daughter I am... just like her mother does to her.

I don't know if this trait comes from her bipolar disorder, or if it's some strange coping mechanism for her fucked up life... I don't care, she's trying to do it to me, and I am starting to lose ground with every argument. I am starting to feel like I deserve a little sympathy for dealing with her, and I can't let myself fall into that "poor me" trap of hers... It's a fine line between feeling overwhelmed, to setting it up to play the victim every single time. I don't want to be that woman.

I don't want to be my mother

I was in the middle of catching up with emails this morning, when I ran into one of those messages... you know the type from the subject line that goes something like this: "Please forward this to your friends otherwise we'll know you enjoy squashing puppy dogs just for shits and giggles, you sick, heartless bastard!"

Normally, they have a one way trip to my trash folder, but since it was from my friend Joann who knows I hate chain letters, I went and ( opened it instead. )

Oh, it's been a week, alright. I didn't have to attend lectures during that week. But I still busted my ass as if I did. Maybe even more, because, apparently the faculty at that particular university get some sort of sick glee about making their students work during Spring Break.

One paper on the Romantics, an unspecified length discussion on Shelley's creationist saga and the significance of ambition as a catalyst. Personally, I find it offensive to have an assignment that is basically a verbose opinion on a subject as it is portrayed in literature, and then to have my opinion graded on its validity. Whatever happened to "All opinions count"?

One lab report on gene sequencing. A re-do, because apparently the entire class was too retarded to grasp the concept of what he wants in a lab report, despite the gigantic list of points to cover in the rubric.. what, ten paragraphs on amino-acids wasn't enough for you there, Doctor Doom?

Oh, yes... of course... Physics quiz today on the material we covered two weeks ago for about 30 minutes.

And to think, I am almost salivating at the thought of selling my soul to Sallie Mae for an additional four years after this degree is done... WOOT!

Now, I'm off to catch up with the fanfic world... I think I owe some 7 reviews or something like that...*sigh*

I don't usually make a big deal of my dreams. While usually they are quite entertaining and memorable, they aren't exactly noteworthy enough to get me to talk about them... except maybe the one repeating natural disaster theme of '03-'05.

Last night I dreamed about ( Art )

I'd heard the whispering of the nursing staff one evening as we sat the last two minutes of the shift waiting for the clock to strike 1908 and we could officially clock out without a 15-minute dock in our pay. It's not unusual to find their attention thusly engaged. I admit even my eyes are sometimes caught in a furtive peek when the specimen is worthy... I do have an appreciation for aesthetics, after all. But that's about it.

"Hey, uhmm...can you help me find the chart for Mrs. Jane Doe?"

"Oh, I can't- I don't.. I-I-I..." I turned to explain to this newcomer in a white coat how I can't leave the area. I hadn't realized he'd crept up so close behind me until I turned fully to face him. Five inches more and we'd be toe-to-toe, and I was staring squarely into the bracing wall that passed for his shoulders. ( Is that you, McSteamy? )

'Why are you going to hell?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Where are you, McSteamy? :(

I don't know if the online community of doctor-bloggers and forum members is truly representative of the whole medical profession.  I certainly hope it isn't.

Every single blog that I have read is more or less the same: "I hate the third and fourth year of med school", "Oh for the love of God, rotations are the work of Satan!", "My attendings have about as much charm as an oozing boil in a donkey's cankerous asshole", "Everyone is so meeeeaaan", "I don't want to be a doctor anymore, because it requires too much work!"  "I should have gone to Business/Law school instead!"

After 3.5 years, I can honestly say ( I know what I'm getting into )

Ugly, ugly debate at SDN over the race self-ident box in the AMCAS form.



I usually try to avoid race issues on public forums because it's just a quick way to piss oneself off reading some of the drivel that both sides can dish out. But for some reason, this is the second thread at SDN that has compelled me to add my (mostly completely ignored) feelings on the matter. I think it's the whole idea of 'stealing' spots away from non-minorities that kind of makes me get that itchy defensive vibe around me. That claim implies that ALL medical school seats are the sole entitlement of the caucasian applicants and that any minority entering medical school is displacing someone with a God-given right to that spot because of political correctness.

For one thing, I still haven't decided whether I want to self-identify or not. The issue becomes moot if one is invited for an interview, anyway. What, you think that just because you didn't check the little box, when the interviewer and the adcomm catch a glimpse of your brown face and rounded features, they won't suspect you belong to a non-caucasian ethnicity? Give me a break.


I used to have this delusion that I could make it because I'm good. If it weren't for that ( stupid class )

Okay, I think I am going to have to take a page from some of you guys and keep the writing journal separate from the personal life journal.  I don't fool myself into thinking anyone who reads NineShadows is remotely interested in my life, they may be slightly curious as to what I am writing, or drawing  and don't want to wade through posts of me hating on the cow at work.  So this is where CrossCover comes in.

For those of you (lurker that I know is there) who feel the need to know how my school process is developing, or if I eventually managed to defeat the THE Test, or how love's treating me, this is your spot...  brace up for a lot of complaining.

That is all...